Names That I Misinterpreted Over the Phone While Both Partially Deaf and Trying To Be Culturally Competent

Salisia!* (Alicia)
Ramon (John)
Rojille** (Willy)

* A genus of ornamental shrubbery.
** Declension of the Czech verb "to swarm."

confessions

Maria: do you use toilet seat covers?
Ingrid: hell no
Maria: me neither, but i hate it when i go in the bathroom at the same time as someone else and i just sit down and start peeing and they like rustle around setting one up, i always feel like they're judging me and thinking i'm dirty
i just never think to take one
Ingrid: i'm not interested in those bourgeois trappings
Maria: how else will we build up antibodies??
Ingrid: /will take any excuse not to be hygenic
Maria: me too
that makes me feel better
i picked up cat poop with my hand yesterday
:(
it was really dry though
Ingrid: i like how we use gmail chat as a de facto confessional
Maria: hahaha i know
omg also
so get this
Ingrid: god, the way that frowney face turns itself over
Maria: maxi like kicked some poop out of her litterbox
it should have audio
waaaamp waaaamp
Ingrid: hahaha sorry continue
Maria: so the poop is just out there
and it's a good amount
which makes me wonder if it was intentional
so i don't see it bc i'm negligent
and so she kept trying to cover it up as is a cat's nature
using like my clothes that were around
like my underwear and sweaters
so i'm cleaning yesterday and pick up a sweater and there is all this poop stuck to it
and then like poop eeeverywhere
it was sick
then i was like, oh god i wonder if that's how i got my kidney infection
Ingrid: hahahahahaha
ohhh shit.
Maria: LITERALLY
Ingrid: flossie pooped in my pocket before school picture day when i was in second grade.
still not sure how she managed to do it.
Maria: whoa yeah
that's amazing
you can't even be mad about that
Ingrid: nope.
Maria: did you find it before you were in line for pictures?
Ingrid: while.
Maria: eeeeeeeeeeeew
one time in australia a dog peed in my purse
and i was walking down the street dripping urine
and then realized what had happened and started crying on the street

Regression Analysis

(Click!)

I would like to be a writer, but my mind has been too consistently unfocused to formulate an entire plot since the day I completed my 15 (single spaced, illustrated) page opus, "Pepperoni the Alley Cat" in 5th grade.  I'm wondering if it would be possible to start a career that is centered around setting up a basic situation analysis that leads to inspiration for the creation of stories that are of the quality that might allow them to someday be adapted into critically acclaimed HBO or Showtime dramedies.   So I provide the bones, another provides the prose

This is the first:

The protagonist works at a dog kennel, where he/she/you is the overnight supervisor, which means he/she/you stay awake all night watching dogs sleep.  After finding a cell phone on the street, he/she/you begins to wile away the hours by texting anonymous unsolicited advice to the contacts in your his/her/your personal life. 

this story is not allowed to be called: Letting Sleeping Dogs Lie.   Too easy.

And you shall know him by his brand new sublime tshirt

No need to hang out at the Tacoma Mall waiting for your mom to pick you up any more: I found Spencer Gifts online for you. There are about 1023984029384 things I've had my sights on, so here are a few highlights:

Irony is dead. Long live irony.

Falling Down: A Rap

Hyundai parked on a hill that just felt the rain beat

Cheap shoes are no match for soaking concrete

HYPE MAN: SHE FALLING DOWN!

Cut my leg on the pavement when I eat shit 

Scabbing all up on my knee like a bacon bit

HYPE MAN: BACON BITS! NINETY PERCENT LESS FAT THAN PAN FRIED! 

Fucked up the knee 0f my new jeans but it won't get me beat

now i'll  cuff em and pair with flipflops in the heat

HYPE MAN: FUCK THE HATERS! A CASUAL LOOK FOR SUMMER!

Girl who live in my building, don't laugh-- I hear the sound. 

Unless you got a bandaid,  leave me on the ground 

HYPE MAN: BITCH IN APARTMENT 103! YOUR BOSTON TERRIER'S TAIL IS TOO LONG! IT LOOKS WEIRD!

How I Will Steal Your Friends Away

Hey, how are you. Good to see you again. Yes, we've met before. Oh yes, I'm sure. Many times.

Remember, you were wearing that shirt and I said I liked it and asked where it was from and what size it was? I liked that shirt. I thought about getting it. Maybe I can just borrow it from you sometime. I'll wash it and stuff. Unless you think that's weird.

I hear you do something in your life that I vaguely relate to. Let me tell you an anecdote that I just made up that briefly touches on that subject, and also frames me as an enjoyable, worthwhile person worthy of your time and friendship.

I think I could add something to your life.

Hey, I heard you went to college. I know of someone who I think went to that school at some point in the last 5 years. Maybe you know them? No? Well if nothing else I hope that my knowledge of your alma mater convinced you I am in your target demographic, friend wise.

So, I have this problem. I can't really tell our mutual aquaintance, but I just feel really comfortable around you. It's also about something really personal. Do you want to hear about it? I have a feeling you'll have some good advice.

Oops, hope that wasn't too intense. I cry like all the time anyway so don't feel uncomfortable. I saw that dog commercial with Sarah McLaughlin and cried for like an hour. Have you seen that? I can send you the YouTube link if you give me your email. In fact, why don't you give me your email right now before we forget. There are many funny things on YouTube I could share with you. Also, I have cable, so if you don't and there's ever anything you want to watch on TV, you can come to my place. I don't even have to be there, I can just leave a key. I like it when people are around to socialize my cat, because I'm gone a lot. Well, not that much.

Listen, I'm going to add you on facebook tonight when I get home. I think once we look at each other's profiles we'll realize how much we have in common and then our interactions are only going to get better and better. I'll comment on your pictures and tell you you look pretty. Also if you break up with your boyfriend and then meet someone else and have a date that you tell me about, I'll make sure to write "Have a GREAT TIME on your date!" on your wall so that your ex boyfriend knows you're going out with another guy. Then he'll be jealous. See, I got your back. You should do the same for me, maybe.

Well it was SO GOOD to see you again. I really had a good time. Let's make sure we all get together for a girl's night soon. Seriously, I don't know why we don't hang out more. You make me feel really good about myself and I like how your do your eye makeup. Maybe you can teach me sometime.

Remember, check your facebook. You text, right? I'll talk to you REALLY soon.