three haiku about getting older

Once, I thought I might
marry Corey Haim, or Feld-
man, if Haim was dead.

Remember when that
methhead stole Drive Like Jehu
and Pavement? I don't.

Mom doesn't even
ask about my kidney stones
anymore, demur.

Craigslist MC roundup

Sketchiest Missed Connection of the day:

Cassidy -m4w-20 (Snoqualmie)

You are SOOOO hot! Would love to see you sometime! By the way, if you are looking for something to do after you are done with school I could set you up making more money than you ever thought possible!


Douchiest Missed Connection of the day:

Me- A Silver BMW- You: a cute Laser Blue Mini Sport- m4w (Kirland [sic], on the way to Redmond)

There I was, waiting for the light to turn green. My owner had put me into sport mode, and my open exhaust was growling and ready to move. You pulled up in that beautiful laser blue and took my breath away. My engine raced. I know I missed a couple of cylinders when I saw you but I don't think you noticed. My owner looked at my instrument cluster worried, but I quickly recovered myself. I pulled forward slowly to get a better look at your curves, your oh-so-sweet lines. Alas, I have not seen another like you in all my 110,000 miles. You had the cutest pair of tail pipes. When you took off in the left lane, and left me in the traffic coughing your exhaust I was saddened. I had high hopes for us. We're both BMW's after all - but sadly, I wasn't good enough for you. I would love to take you out sometime - maybe we can get our oil changed somewhere? I know this great little place in Redmond. They use european filters. Oh, and my owner thought your driver was cute - so I'm sure they'll have something to talk about to. After all, they have us. -Sad Seven


Least Educated Missed Connection of the day:
Your one of my best friends girl- m4w- 18 (Tacoma)

Your blonde your hot, the connection i feel whenever im around you is isane. I hate it because your my best friends girl. Me I just got a motorcycle you will know who i am if you read this.


Missed Connection I Momentarily but Mistakenly Hope Might Be For Me of the day:
M- m4w

When I turned after some time in the meeting and saw your hair, I was stunned, when I got a glimpse of your face and body, no words, and when I heard you speak, I was humbled. The situation lends no possibility for this interaction. I know you will never see this, but, good Lord, you are all that!

Glum

when it all just fits

Liveblogging the Most Watched Video On YouTube.

Did you know that this is the most watched video on YouTube OF ALL TIME.  

I think this is disappointing,

I guess it's a safely nonoffensive high energy piece that could be forwarded from cubicle to cubicle.  It's low risk. Watching this in a group setting would be the most uncomfortable thing I could imagine. I don't actually laugh out loud at a lot of stuff I find funny but sometimes I'll force it a little around other people so I don't seem strange and humorless.  But something like this, which actually offers little entertainment and conjures no emotion beyond mild bemusement and a strange new insight in the psyche of the modern, technologically connected citizen, would be too difficult to fake a reaction to.

The audience loves him. Watch their reactions. I imagine they are sitting on metal folding chairs in a high school gym.  This man turned a few personality traits into an attempted CAREER.  He's the guy who knows the technical steps to all the briefly popular dance moves in recent pop culture, and he has realized that as long as he has that in his arsenal, he will always be able to generate some kind of attention for himself.  And has he ever! THEY LOVE HIM. Oh you should hear them react to favorites like The Robot and The Worm.  SQUEALS of delight.  Excited intakes of breath.  Clapping with childlike amusement.  Less popular dances are met with murmurings of applause.

What really doesn't make any sense is that he includes as part of "evolution of dance" stuff that shouldn't be in there at all... like the Oompa Loompa dance, which didn't evolve from a disco thrust as suggested, nor did it eventually morph into a Partridge family like variety show arm move, WHICH I am SURE, much LIKE the oompa loompa dance, was never actually a dance trend.

OK i hadn't watched the whole thing but now I admit I laughed when he did "jump on it"

mainly because that's my favorite dance ever and I wish more than anything I could see a video of my 12 year old self dancing so intently and concentrating on not falling out of step, fine beads of sweat beginning to form around my nose and fogging up my glasses,  strobe light illuminating the cat hairs that cover my Gap t-shirt.  

so, i laughed once.  But he hasn't gotten to the Macarena yet.  I also wonder if he's going to do "Vogue"  

He just did " I get knocked down" by that one band that used to be on VH1 a lot.  But the dance for that was just him falling down a couple of times.  That wasn't a dance, he's just acting out the lyrics.

I read that Janet Jackson loses like 5 pounds by the end of every performance.  This guy is jumping around a lot.  It's short but I bet he burns like 300 cals.  Maybe more like 175 though.

Macarena, check.  I think we're past the chance for Vogue.  I'm surprised. 

He spends a surprising and seemingly disproportionate amount of time on the boy band dance.

The last dance is "Dirt off your shoulders"

Thanks, internets.

I still get these emails from a website I joined when I tried to quit smoking, uhm, I guess exactly 2 years and 5 months ago. Today would be my Quit Anniversary. Here would be my stats:

Your Quit Date is: Tuesday, September 19, 2006 at 12:00:00 PM
Time Smoke-Free: 883 days, 18 hours, 21 minutes and 11 seconds
Cigarettes NOT smoked: 22094
Lifetime Saved: 5 months, 18 days, 18 hours
Money Saved: $3,867.50

If you've never lit a half-smoked Pall Mall off your stove's burner at 4 in the morning, I imagine you'll be unable to sympathize with me when I say this: those extra 5 months, 18 days, and 18 hours still don't seem worth it.

In '97

• "Push" by matchbox 20 is #21 on the Billboard HOT 100. Nation is later scandalized to learn it was Rob Thomas, not Monica Lewinsky, who went down on President Clinton in the Oval Office.


• "Mad About You" sweeps the Emmys, leaving the bloody entrails of "Frasier" and "3rd Rock From the Sun" in a wake of Inoffensive 90s Sitcom Awesomeness.


• Willem de Kooning and Biggie die, some dude makes a movie about some kind of boat, and Tweety Bird half-shirts account for one-third of Chinese exports.


• My mother starts a short-lived but vitriolic civil war with the September Hemming Debacle, wherein she accidently hems her daughter's already unflattering dress (purchased at that bastion of hip pre-teen fashion, the Sale Rack at Anne Taylor Loft) to a crooked and whorish length. Tears are shed, but the young lady finally agrees to attend the gala with the tasteful sartorial additions of black gym shorts and nude control-top panty hose.

The Worst Compliments From Lovers

seriously, your handwriting is as good as those girls who were obsessed with having neat handwriting in middle school.

you know, usually girls with bangs remind me of twelve year olds but you're big enough to pull it off.

I can't believe how much nicer it is to hold your hand when you don't bite your nails for a few days.

wow, you're really good about checking your blind spot.

Ode to the Hot Moms of 15th Ave

O! hot moms,
with your Chloe hobo bags,
and well-scrubbed children.
How your Paper Denims
bely
stretch marks, wine coolers,
and Baby Einstein videos,
stowed cargo
like so many
dreams of med school.

An Afternoon With Gmail Chat

how can you improve on this?:
An Afternoon With Danny Glover.

Maria: An Afternoon With Danny Glover and Weddings

Maria: An Afternoon with Danny Glover and Civil Unions Followed By Copulation

Ingrid: An Afternoon with Danny Glover and a Bad Eighties Cover Band Follwed by Vomiting in the Holiday Inn Bathroom

Maria: An Afternoon with Danny Glover That Won't Be As Ironically Cool As You Think It Might Be, And Will Leave You Feeling Slightly Depressed And Unwilling To Partake In Future Activities

Maria: An Afternoon With Danny Glover: The Room Will Be Chilly, So You'll Have To Wear A Sweater Which Will Ruin The Outfit You Planned

Ingrid: An Afternoon With Danny Glover: Prepare To Make Some Vaguely Racist Comments You Were Unaware You Were Capable of Making Because, You Know, He's Black

Maria: An Afternoon With Danny Glover: Those Lemon Bars Are Going To Go Fast, Better Grab Some While He's Speaking. He'll Understand.

Ingrid: An Afternoon With Danny Glover: Your Own Personal Jesus. Kind Of.

Maria: An Afternoon With Danny Glover: The Guy From Die Hard? No, Lethal Weapon. So Bruce Willis Was In Both Those, Right? No, I'm Thinking Of Mel Gibson

CrazySexyCool

Right before my 13th birthday I had the first of many existential crises. I was always a super self righteous and confident/ borderline obnoxious child until I hit puberty and conversations like this became a regular part of my life:

ME: yeah but why did [redacted] need to hide all the stuff in my locker?

FRIEND: well I asked him and he says it's because he doesn't like you.

ME: wait why doesn't he like me? I don't even know him.

FRIEND: well I asked him that too and he says he doesn't like you because you're ugly.

So since middle school was so awesome and I was clearly destined to score with the opposite sex, I applied to skip 8th grade and start high school early at an all girls Catholic school.  I got accepted, etc etc, and right around my birthday I realized I needed to get my shit together and at least try to not be such a weirdo.

At the time, my CD collection consisted of:

-93824738743928743897 original soundtracks to musicals

- Now And Then: The original motion picture soundtrack

- Ace of Base: The Rose

- Ace of Base: The Bridge

So for my birthday I asked for the following:

Space Jam soundtrack

Spice Girls

No Doubt: Tragic Kingdom

TLC: CrazySexyCool (I definitely asterisked this one on my list and provided the following explanation: I know this says "sex" in the title but there really aren't any bad words in it)

In a separate and private conversation to Jesus I also asked for:

large breasts

I got all of them including eventually the boobs and probably also some sweet JC Penney clothing and also contact lenses which was kind of a huge deal, and to be honest Space Jam was kind of a bust, but the other three were SO GOOD and are still in rotation in my itunes to this day.  

But obviously I would not be writing something unless it included a super embarrassing fact, so here it is:

I have a tendency to totally create in my head these situations that are incredibly implausible but like, potentially COULD happen... and then in my head I script out all my possible reactions and contributions to this made up event.  I still do this and it's really creepy but I've had other people tell me they do it too which makes me feel better even if they're just saying that.

So, the last track of CrazySexyCool opens with a rap.  I had this idea in my head that knowing this entire rap was crucial to me becoming socially acceptable.  As such, I listened to it until I had the whole thing memorized.  

This is the situation I imagined:

First day of high school, 1997.  I don't know ANYONE.  I am younger, taller, and dressed way worse than all classmates.  Yet if you were watching the movie that in my mind I am pretending to star in, you would say, "that girl has a quiet beauty." and maybe also describe me as "doe- like." I am sitting alone at lunch because I have no friends.... yet.  Behind me is a table of girls all decked out with butterfly clips and Abercrombie gear.  I long to be included in their fold.  Suddenly, my ears perk up when I hear one of them say:

"You know that last song on CrazySexyCool? The rap at the beginning?  How does it go?"

I choke down my mouthful of Cheetos and spin around. "Let me tell you how it goes" I say.

REMEMBER BACK IN THE TIME WHEN THE ONLY SIGN WE HAD WAS PICKET BUT NOW IN 94 IT BE THIS WAY SOMETHING COME WICKED SHE ???? KILLIN OTHERS FOR COLORS THINGS THAT WE WEAR FOR FASHION OTHER BROTHERS TAKE IT FOR A REASON TO BE BASHIN WHAT THE KCUF IS GOING ON? NOT SOFT LIKE BUTTERCUPS BUT HAD ENOUGH OF SINGIN THAT SAME SONG YOU SEE I STAYED ACROSS THE STREET FROM THE PROJECTS TOOK OUT YO MAMAS TRASH AND GROCERIES TO HER TRUNK TO KEEP MY POCKETS

out of nowhere, a beat begins.

FAT LIKE CELLULITE ONLY BEEN TO JAIL ONE WEEK FOR SOME SHULLBIT AND I PRAY TO GOD I WON'T REPEAT I SHOULD'VE PULLED IT WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE TO OH NO I SHOULDN'T HAVE DID THAT CUZ IF I DID THAT YALL WOULD NOT HEAR THAT PHAT SHIT THAT KEEPS YOU ON YOUR TIPPY TIPPY TOES LIKE THAT SELLOUT NOT CALLIN NO NAMES BUT REALLY WHO'S BAD? I GO THROUGH OBSTACLES LIKE A WHOLE BOX OF CONDOMS YOU CAN'T FORGET WHERE YOU COME FROM...(song begins)

"Come sit with us." they say.  

This never happened. 

But, I did just write out that rap from memory and I think it's at least 70% accurate.