CrazySexyCool

Right before my 13th birthday I had the first of many existential crises. I was always a super self righteous and confident/ borderline obnoxious child until I hit puberty and conversations like this became a regular part of my life:

ME: yeah but why did [redacted] need to hide all the stuff in my locker?

FRIEND: well I asked him and he says it's because he doesn't like you.

ME: wait why doesn't he like me? I don't even know him.

FRIEND: well I asked him that too and he says he doesn't like you because you're ugly.

So since middle school was so awesome and I was clearly destined to score with the opposite sex, I applied to skip 8th grade and start high school early at an all girls Catholic school.  I got accepted, etc etc, and right around my birthday I realized I needed to get my shit together and at least try to not be such a weirdo.

At the time, my CD collection consisted of:

-93824738743928743897 original soundtracks to musicals

- Now And Then: The original motion picture soundtrack

- Ace of Base: The Rose

- Ace of Base: The Bridge

So for my birthday I asked for the following:

Space Jam soundtrack

Spice Girls

No Doubt: Tragic Kingdom

TLC: CrazySexyCool (I definitely asterisked this one on my list and provided the following explanation: I know this says "sex" in the title but there really aren't any bad words in it)

In a separate and private conversation to Jesus I also asked for:

large breasts

I got all of them including eventually the boobs and probably also some sweet JC Penney clothing and also contact lenses which was kind of a huge deal, and to be honest Space Jam was kind of a bust, but the other three were SO GOOD and are still in rotation in my itunes to this day.  

But obviously I would not be writing something unless it included a super embarrassing fact, so here it is:

I have a tendency to totally create in my head these situations that are incredibly implausible but like, potentially COULD happen... and then in my head I script out all my possible reactions and contributions to this made up event.  I still do this and it's really creepy but I've had other people tell me they do it too which makes me feel better even if they're just saying that.

So, the last track of CrazySexyCool opens with a rap.  I had this idea in my head that knowing this entire rap was crucial to me becoming socially acceptable.  As such, I listened to it until I had the whole thing memorized.  

This is the situation I imagined:

First day of high school, 1997.  I don't know ANYONE.  I am younger, taller, and dressed way worse than all classmates.  Yet if you were watching the movie that in my mind I am pretending to star in, you would say, "that girl has a quiet beauty." and maybe also describe me as "doe- like." I am sitting alone at lunch because I have no friends.... yet.  Behind me is a table of girls all decked out with butterfly clips and Abercrombie gear.  I long to be included in their fold.  Suddenly, my ears perk up when I hear one of them say:

"You know that last song on CrazySexyCool? The rap at the beginning?  How does it go?"

I choke down my mouthful of Cheetos and spin around. "Let me tell you how it goes" I say.

REMEMBER BACK IN THE TIME WHEN THE ONLY SIGN WE HAD WAS PICKET BUT NOW IN 94 IT BE THIS WAY SOMETHING COME WICKED SHE ???? KILLIN OTHERS FOR COLORS THINGS THAT WE WEAR FOR FASHION OTHER BROTHERS TAKE IT FOR A REASON TO BE BASHIN WHAT THE KCUF IS GOING ON? NOT SOFT LIKE BUTTERCUPS BUT HAD ENOUGH OF SINGIN THAT SAME SONG YOU SEE I STAYED ACROSS THE STREET FROM THE PROJECTS TOOK OUT YO MAMAS TRASH AND GROCERIES TO HER TRUNK TO KEEP MY POCKETS

out of nowhere, a beat begins.

FAT LIKE CELLULITE ONLY BEEN TO JAIL ONE WEEK FOR SOME SHULLBIT AND I PRAY TO GOD I WON'T REPEAT I SHOULD'VE PULLED IT WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE TO OH NO I SHOULDN'T HAVE DID THAT CUZ IF I DID THAT YALL WOULD NOT HEAR THAT PHAT SHIT THAT KEEPS YOU ON YOUR TIPPY TIPPY TOES LIKE THAT SELLOUT NOT CALLIN NO NAMES BUT REALLY WHO'S BAD? I GO THROUGH OBSTACLES LIKE A WHOLE BOX OF CONDOMS YOU CAN'T FORGET WHERE YOU COME FROM...(song begins)

"Come sit with us." they say.  

This never happened. 

But, I did just write out that rap from memory and I think it's at least 70% accurate.