I would like to be a writer, but my mind has been too consistently unfocused to formulate an entire plot since the day I completed my 15 (single spaced, illustrated) page opus, "Pepperoni the Alley Cat" in 5th grade.  I'm wondering if it would be possible to start a career that is centered around setting up a basic situation analysis that leads to inspiration for the creation of stories that are of the quality that might allow them to someday be adapted into critically acclaimed HBO or Showtime dramedies.   So I provide the bones, another provides the prose

This is the first:

The protagonist works at a dog kennel, where he/she/you is the overnight supervisor, which means he/she/you stay awake all night watching dogs sleep.  After finding a cell phone on the street, he/she/you begins to wile away the hours by texting anonymous unsolicited advice to the contacts in your his/her/your personal life. 

this story is not allowed to be called: Letting Sleeping Dogs Lie.   Too easy.

And you shall know him by his brand new sublime tshirt

No need to hang out at the Tacoma Mall waiting for your mom to pick you up any more: I found Spencer Gifts online for you. There are about 1023984029384 things I've had my sights on, so here are a few highlights:

Irony is dead. Long live irony.

Falling Down: A Rap

Hyundai parked on a hill that just felt the rain beat

Cheap shoes are no match for soaking concrete

HYPE MAN: SHE FALLING DOWN!

Cut my leg on the pavement when I eat shit 

Scabbing all up on my knee like a bacon bit

HYPE MAN: BACON BITS! NINETY PERCENT LESS FAT THAN PAN FRIED! 

Fucked up the knee 0f my new jeans but it won't get me beat

now i'll  cuff em and pair with flipflops in the heat

HYPE MAN: FUCK THE HATERS! A CASUAL LOOK FOR SUMMER!

Girl who live in my building, don't laugh-- I hear the sound. 

Unless you got a bandaid,  leave me on the ground 

HYPE MAN: BITCH IN APARTMENT 103! YOUR BOSTON TERRIER'S TAIL IS TOO LONG! IT LOOKS WEIRD!

How I Will Steal Your Friends Away

Hey, how are you. Good to see you again. Yes, we've met before. Oh yes, I'm sure. Many times.

Remember, you were wearing that shirt and I said I liked it and asked where it was from and what size it was? I liked that shirt. I thought about getting it. Maybe I can just borrow it from you sometime. I'll wash it and stuff. Unless you think that's weird.

I hear you do something in your life that I vaguely relate to. Let me tell you an anecdote that I just made up that briefly touches on that subject, and also frames me as an enjoyable, worthwhile person worthy of your time and friendship.

I think I could add something to your life.

Hey, I heard you went to college. I know of someone who I think went to that school at some point in the last 5 years. Maybe you know them? No? Well if nothing else I hope that my knowledge of your alma mater convinced you I am in your target demographic, friend wise.

So, I have this problem. I can't really tell our mutual aquaintance, but I just feel really comfortable around you. It's also about something really personal. Do you want to hear about it? I have a feeling you'll have some good advice.

Oops, hope that wasn't too intense. I cry like all the time anyway so don't feel uncomfortable. I saw that dog commercial with Sarah McLaughlin and cried for like an hour. Have you seen that? I can send you the YouTube link if you give me your email. In fact, why don't you give me your email right now before we forget. There are many funny things on YouTube I could share with you. Also, I have cable, so if you don't and there's ever anything you want to watch on TV, you can come to my place. I don't even have to be there, I can just leave a key. I like it when people are around to socialize my cat, because I'm gone a lot. Well, not that much.

Listen, I'm going to add you on facebook tonight when I get home. I think once we look at each other's profiles we'll realize how much we have in common and then our interactions are only going to get better and better. I'll comment on your pictures and tell you you look pretty. Also if you break up with your boyfriend and then meet someone else and have a date that you tell me about, I'll make sure to write "Have a GREAT TIME on your date!" on your wall so that your ex boyfriend knows you're going out with another guy. Then he'll be jealous. See, I got your back. You should do the same for me, maybe.

Well it was SO GOOD to see you again. I really had a good time. Let's make sure we all get together for a girl's night soon. Seriously, I don't know why we don't hang out more. You make me feel really good about myself and I like how your do your eye makeup. Maybe you can teach me sometime.

Remember, check your facebook. You text, right? I'll talk to you REALLY soon.

three haiku about getting older

Once, I thought I might
marry Corey Haim, or Feld-
man, if Haim was dead.

Remember when that
methhead stole Drive Like Jehu
and Pavement? I don't.

Mom doesn't even
ask about my kidney stones
anymore, demur.

Craigslist MC roundup

Sketchiest Missed Connection of the day:

Cassidy -m4w-20 (Snoqualmie)

You are SOOOO hot! Would love to see you sometime! By the way, if you are looking for something to do after you are done with school I could set you up making more money than you ever thought possible!


Douchiest Missed Connection of the day:

Me- A Silver BMW- You: a cute Laser Blue Mini Sport- m4w (Kirland [sic], on the way to Redmond)

There I was, waiting for the light to turn green. My owner had put me into sport mode, and my open exhaust was growling and ready to move. You pulled up in that beautiful laser blue and took my breath away. My engine raced. I know I missed a couple of cylinders when I saw you but I don't think you noticed. My owner looked at my instrument cluster worried, but I quickly recovered myself. I pulled forward slowly to get a better look at your curves, your oh-so-sweet lines. Alas, I have not seen another like you in all my 110,000 miles. You had the cutest pair of tail pipes. When you took off in the left lane, and left me in the traffic coughing your exhaust I was saddened. I had high hopes for us. We're both BMW's after all - but sadly, I wasn't good enough for you. I would love to take you out sometime - maybe we can get our oil changed somewhere? I know this great little place in Redmond. They use european filters. Oh, and my owner thought your driver was cute - so I'm sure they'll have something to talk about to. After all, they have us. -Sad Seven


Least Educated Missed Connection of the day:
Your one of my best friends girl- m4w- 18 (Tacoma)

Your blonde your hot, the connection i feel whenever im around you is isane. I hate it because your my best friends girl. Me I just got a motorcycle you will know who i am if you read this.


Missed Connection I Momentarily but Mistakenly Hope Might Be For Me of the day:
M- m4w

When I turned after some time in the meeting and saw your hair, I was stunned, when I got a glimpse of your face and body, no words, and when I heard you speak, I was humbled. The situation lends no possibility for this interaction. I know you will never see this, but, good Lord, you are all that!

Glum

when it all just fits