Co-Op

I joined a grocery co-op today. It's not what you think: I am not knowledgeable about fine and wholesome foods nor fair labor practices, and I generally prefer the largest plastic bag an establishment can provide (I would coat my foodstuffs in pure petrol for transport t'were it an available option). Nay, I joined the co-op out of pure paranoia. I was afraid that the fine ass honeys I scoped in the checkout line would judge me for my lack of membership. "Christ," I could hear them thinking, "I can just see her shoveling fistfuls of Cheetos puffs into her maw and chugging Mountain Dew Red (Private Reserve) while watching reruns of "My Wife and Kids."" These facts are my own private reality. Some things should be saved for the second date.

Hours have passed since my enlistment, and I do not regret my decision. I was gifted with an array of thoughtfully crafted newsletters and coupons. And my recent membership has given me a new perspective. With the multitude of benefits offered, it seems only natural the that realm of co-op-ship should extend to other commodities and pastimes. A few suggestions:

CHEAP POTENTIALLY TRENDY CRAP CO-OP
Cost: Labor for ultimately listing shit on Craigslist
Benefits: Like a dollar store, but more urban! Members are automatically entered into monthly give-aways for items that even your grandmother knows are hideous, but you insist give a certain "feel" to your digs. Insider's newsletter featuring speculations on which recycled slogans from t-shirts and truckers' hats are bound to become ironic in the current season (1999 Generic Technology Conference, anyone???)

BABY SLOTH CO-OP
Cost: Whatever the fuck it takes, per annum.
Benefits: Members only baby sloth snuggling session once a month. Collectible baby sloth character trading cards (Jailbird Baby Sloth, Saloon Girl Baby Sloth, CEO Baby Sloth) with every purchase. Coupons mailed in monthly newsletter can be redeemed for extra baby sloth snuggling, or used as credit toward the Baby Sloth and You Soft-Focus Portrait Extravaganza (held quarterly).

DRINKS N' CREEDENCE CO-OP
Is it so wrong to wish that every Thursday evening (or maybe Sunday afternoon?) good Americans could convene, throw whatever money they had in the pot, share a few pitchers and load the juke up with picks from Green River? I thought not.