Monday, April 14, 2008

Irrational Fears

Irrational fears I have had in my life:
None of these have happened (yet).

Age: 5-9
At the bottom of my glass of milk, a cricket lurks. He waits to jump down my throat.

Age: 7-10 (ish):
While submerged in some area of open water, I encounter a large clam with an opening in its shell, through which can be spied a large glistening pearl. I approach the clam and reach in to touch its soft interior and the pearl within. The clam abruptly snaps shut on my arm and OH MY GOD I'M OUT OF OXYGEN AND THIS THING WON'T OPEN WHAT DO I DO I HAVE TO CUT MY ARM OFF NOW NOW NOW OR DROWN.

Age: Puberty on
I am wearing a pad instead of a tampon for an unknown reason, like perhaps I am taking part in a Little House On The Prairie convention. I go to the bathroom and, while peeing, take the rare opportunity to relax, which I do by flopping forward and stretching. However, I have forgotten that there is a cotton wad covered in my own scarlet uterine eliminations and my careless stretch mashes it into my shirt, which is, for this purpose, obviously white or some kind of eggshell color. I then must walk around for the rest of the day with period blood on my shirt.

Age: 24 (now)
I die, and when the coroner autopsies my stomach, my parents receive a police report which reads:

It appears that in the hours prior to your daughter's untimely death, she ingested the following items. Please let us know if any of these substances have significance to you, or could act as a lead in solving the mystery of her demise:
- cheetos (regular)
- cheetos (flamin' hot)
- bacon salt
- semen
- jello
- vodka
- Rainier beer

These results are published.

1 comment:

E said...

HA HA HA.
those are all quite horrific.
let's hang out soon!