On Fucking Things Up

I'm a total hypochondriac and am constantly diagnosing myself with various mental ailments like OCD, aphasia, a variety of disorders on the autism spectrum, and reverse body dysmorphic disorder, wherein I think I'm WAY bomber than I actually am and am only brought back down to earth when photographic evidence is cruelly shoved in front of my face. But even though everything else is just a flash in the pan, I still have yet to appropriately diagnose this constant fear of fucking things up that stays with me always... and i say "fucking up" not necessarily like I'm going to ruin some giant project at work or cause car accident, although those are both also things I worry about fucking up, but just not being able to do SIMPLE things that are designed for the lowest common denominator. Like, I will face some small minor task and once I realize what is ahead I know... just KNOW that I am not going to be able to complete it. Like when you watched Nickelodeon's Legends of The Hidden Temple back in the day and you could TOTALLY identify with that kid who, after watching their sibling get tackled by a Mayan warrior in the ruins or whatever, just had this total look of panic on their face. Because that kid knew, he or she KNEW that it was their turn now and they were going to fuck up and lose the medallion or golden monkey or whatever, because they were too excitable/unathletic/asthmatic to achieve success, and they totally had ridden on the coattails of their far superior teammate thus far and now it was ALL UP TO THEM. Case in point: Airplane tray tables. I CANNOT work them. Everytime I'm on an airplane I start trying to get it to come out and it won't, and I start looking for some kind of button and whacking at it with simple tools like a chimp. Then I get really hot and flustered and start frantically taking off layers while wracking my brains to remember how I solved this problem the last time I was on an airplane and eventually the flight attendant will whip out the tray table for me with a tight lipped smile while handing over my plastic cup of Diet Sprite. I also cannot work unfamiliar microwaves, or locate a light switch when I am asked. "it's over there... no up... no ok, turn around... no, look UP! right... your other right... i said UP!" until I find myself whirling in a horrible gnomish jig and have to adapt the "sorry I'm kind retarded, but I hope maybe you think I'm pretty!" sheepish/jaw clenched grin I have perfected over the years of Fucking Things Up.
I don't have a good end to that observation, but I will admit that in the past I have lied and said that I appeared on Legends Of The Hidden Temple. The key to making people believe this is to admit that you didn't make it to the final round. It makes it more believeable, and then guys will ask for your number.