A New Hope

Dateline: Wednesday
Location: On my emails
Subject Heading: "Ingrid, here are nearby people that you may want to date"

I think I might just like this Sparkey, a Facebook application I'm thinking my grandmother signed me up for. Only the relevant deets are included, friends. Here's what you get:

1. Physical proximity. Hey, guess what, Ingrid? Blaine Bailey lives less than ten miles away from you! Less than! Ten! BLAINE FUCKING BAILEY. If conversation lags during your first date, perhaps you could use this number to calculate how many hectares apart you live! Draw a little map, a little topographical chart!
2. Desirability index. "Judd Nelson is more desirable than 73% of other people." Embarrassing use of a participle there, Sparkey. Beyond that, I am still left wanting to ask: Who are these "other people"? The Reverend Jim Dobson? Bill Keane? He Who Shall Not Be Named (Steve Miller)?
3. Weaknesses. This one's a real time saver. For instance, I see "Sexiest" and "Most Abusive" listed as respective weaknesses for one of my potential mates. This gives me time to brainstorm new threats/histrionic outbursts for the "I hate you/ don't leave me!" screaming match we are sure to have at the Old Country Buffet.