on puking

A while ago, we came to the consensus that of all things in the world, the WORST possible combination of two actions would have to be the renowned (and sadly, often utilized) pairing of masturbating and crying. Extra depressing if it's done to music, extra EXTRA depressing if said music involves Ben Gibbard in any way.
Today I would like to offer another miserable combo: the point we all reach, be it from sickness or alcohol abuse, wherein one's body feels the need to suddenly, mercilessly eliminate EVERYTHING from its depths and there is just nothing you can do about it besides pray that whatever deity you believe in will take mercy and end your life and strike anyone unfortunate enough to be around you incapable of remembering this moment. I am talking, of course, about puking and pooping, or its slightly less offensive incarnation, puking and peeing. A while back, I was so hungover on a Saturday morning that I even pilate-cized the ordeal, extending my torso and giraffe-stretching my neck out to ensure that I could vomit bile into the bathtub without having to move from the toilet. Anyway, this past Saturday night we partook in a delightful celebration of Ingrid's birth, and I bet you know now where this is going. Upon indulging in a less than top shelf tequila shot after a night of drinking only Rainier, I booked it to the bathroom because I KNEW I was about to puke. But there was a mondo line, and I kind of managed to swallow it back while waiting, and then "Touch My Body" came on and I just had to DANCE cuz it's MARIAH so I left the bathroom without throwing up and worked it out on the floor and we kept drinking and dancing and I felt great by the time we left at closing... then I'm walking home with Waleska and we're on Pine and I start reminiscing about the foul tequila and as the memory wells up inside me my body just decides, ENOUGH and Waleska quickly directs me to an abandoned parking lot where I just yak and yak and then realize i have to pee too... so I'm peeing and throwing up at the same time behind the solitary car in the lot and people are totally walking by seeing this thinking, wow that girl SUCKS and the thought of how low this moment must appear cracks me up so i'm peeing, puking, crying, and laughing all at once.
Then I went home and masturbated and cried.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY INGRID!