bored

I am so bored I want to die so I could be bodybagged out of work. Like I am so bored I wish my appendix would burst so I could leave work. I wish my car would burst into flames so I could leave work. I wish the FBI would burst into work and arrest someone in conjunction with a child porn ring so I could leave work amidst all the excitement. I wish there would be an earthquake so we would all be evacuated and I could leave work. I wish my water would break and I would give birth to a baby I didn't even know I was pregnant with so I could leave work. I am now 100% positive that I know every bit of celebrity gossip ever and have viewed every LOLcat ever created and have fake planned out unrealistic trip after unrealistic trip and seen every piece of clothing that would totally make me look fat ever shilled online and STILL i am so bored that on my frequent trips to the bathroom I inevitably burst into tears as soon as I am in the relative privacy of a stall while obese coworkers tap their feet impatiently outside. Because i am SO BORED and thusly spend all day revisiting in my mind the many, many hideously embarrassing or humiliating things I have done in my life and regretting every choice I have ever made, such as going to college, accepting this employment, and living through infancy.
Also frequent IM conversations like the following:

Maria: i fucking hate everyone SO MUCH. like i can't even explain
Brittany: oh god same
Maria: i hope everyone dies.
Brittany: seriously.


Lights at the end of my tunnel:
- going to Target to buy a mini vacuum
- someday getting my tax return so I can use it to pay off my credit card bills that I have wracked up from long days of online shopping while bored out of my fucking mind
- acquiring many more cats, as I've decided that for every six months I don't have sex, I am going to get a new one. 5 months, 1 week to go.
- not getting skin cancer, because it's not like i can even see the sun, or a window for that matter, from the dark ice locker where I sit and will be sitting ALL SUMMER LONG.

sweet christ, the future looks bleak.