Stag Party Diagnosis

I'm not a hypochondriac like the rest of my fellow marksmen (I don't really get colds, yeast infections, bronchitis, heart murmurs, kidney stones, UTIs, or scurvy and if I did I probably wouldn't know it), but this morning got me thinking. Staring at my work computer screen, my eyes seriously won't focus. As in, my eyes will digest part of the screen but all the words are looking pretty funny/fuzzy. I've been squinting for about two hours now and I have a headache.

Being a doctor's daughter, I'm pretty cause/solution-oriented so here's a list I brainstormed as to why this may be occurring:

• I'm going blind and God wants me to join the ranks of Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder as a blind pianist sensation--knowing that I already do a fantastic black pianist/Rev. Jesse Jackson impersonation.
• I've finally shot my liver and developed optic cirrhosis.
• I don't eat fruit and my mom always said that would bite me in the ass.
• The blogging I've done for my job has been so terrible lately my mind is rejecting it somaticly.
• I'm waking up from the Matrix?
  
• Living in Seattle has given me an aversion to the light and i'm actually turning into a vampire. Possible evidence: I did have to have my canines filed when I was little.
  
• I'm about to have a "donnie darko-esque" daylight hallucination...DAHHH!!! plane crash!!!
• Karma is about to kick my ass for thinking Helen Keller jokes are funny.
• The lead paint that coats the windows of my apartment has been venting into my eyes at night. Can you get lead poisoning in your eyes?
• I have syphilis?
  
• The tequila shot I vaguely remember taking last Saturday may have been moonshine?
• My ophthalmologist always told me to wear my glasses more, which I refuse to do since I live with the shame of a child that wore glasses since the age of five with bendy backs.
• I haven't had my prescription updated in two years.
• I haven't changed my two-week contacts since Christmas.

Shoot, anyone know where I can get Hugh Laurie's number?