Not So Irrational Fears

In anticipation of my first official day of unemployment:

1. I quit my job at the least secure time, economically speaking, in America's recent history. Over a cup of reasonably priced (for now) coffee, my eavesdropping hones in on the following phrases: "Credit crunch," "sub-prime (add preferred noun)" and "indentured servitude." Noticing my sullen demeanor and quickly deteriorating personal hygiene, my landlords skip the formalities and evict me without notice.

2. As far as my grandmother is concerned, it becomes easier to blame my lack of boyfriend/ambitions to have a family on an "alternative lifestyle." This is fine, until daily newspaper clippings for the Ellen Degeneres show from the "Up and Coming!!!" section of the Tacoma News Tribune start showing up in my mailbox by the kilo.

3. I am spotted by a bigwig Hollywood talent scout at an area Claim Jumper's. Over fistfuls of turkey pot pie, the scout convinces me to sign a contract for a here-so-far unnamed reality show. Thereafter, I become the first contestant voted off "Who Wants a Mailorder Wife?!?" I quickly redeem myself by becoming the featured contestant on "The Bachlorette: Courting Corey Haim."

4. Jonathan Taylor Thomas dies in a horrible accident, and I am the only witness.