Think Before You Speak

Something that many people don't know about me is that I know a LOT of information about a choice few subjects, such as: eating disorders, current hairstyles incorporating bangs, the heights of male celebrities, the X-men, and PRISON. What qualifies me as a prison expert? A few things. When I had cable, I watched The Shawshank Redemption everytime it was on TNT, which is a LOT. I got Oz on Netflix until I decided to start watching My So Called Life instead. And my grandpa was in Sing Sing back in the day and during frequent bouts of psychosis would regale his eager grandchildren with lurid tales of what it was like to be a Depression-era jailbird. And then there's my own experience. Flash back to age 13. My parents force me to attend an inaugaral Girls of Promise program for 8th and 9th graders, citing the brochure's promises of increased self esteem and achievement. Despite my fervent protests, I am dropped off at the meeting point and spirited away to Orcas Island, where my own personal version of the Stanford Prison Experiment began. One of my 14 year old cabinmates had a baby; another had come because her only other option was Juvie. Another asked me, "what's the worst thing you've ever done?" and I lied and said I had smoked a cigarette and she said, "once I smoked heroin." Which, in retrospect may have been a lie, but I observed someone take one of her Starburst without asking and bitch FLIPPED THE FUCK OUT, so I'm going on record as saying I believe it. My second week there two girls ganged up on and beat the shit out of another because she cut them in line to get pancakes. I sent my parents panicked notes begging for release and spent nights lying awake staring a picture of my beloved cat, wondering if I would make it home alive to see her.
Clearly, I made it through the experience, and I managed to avoid confrontation, because I essentially became the 13 year old version of a prison bitch. In that, I surrendered seats when I was told to, I shared my candy freely, and I never, ever made eye contact. This is how I know that if I were to go to federal prison, I would immediately regress to that state of mind, which is basically, "I will do whatever you want if you don't hit me in the face." And if that meant eating box, then I guess I would eat box. And on that you can quote me.